Saturday, February 11, 2017

It's all there.

Last week my daughter Lucia had her sixth-grade "student led" conference. She told us about how she plans her homework time, how she takes a Meta moment when she gets frustrated or angry, and how she is developing a growth mindset in her studies so she'll continue to work hard.

I was so proud of her. I know she was coached by her teacher and had help preparing for this presentation to her parents, but she was so self-possessed, so clear and direct. There are moments when a parent's heart swells and this was one. After the conference, as we walked through the school corridor to the parking lot I said, "Lucia, I think you did a great job leading your conference. How was that for you?"

Lucia rolled her eyes and said, "Ugh Mom, I hated that, but I think I did fine. I just channeled you." We're at that stage of adolescence where I knew that that statement wasn't meant as a compliment, but I pretended it was and we carried on with our day.

The next morning we got a late start. If I got her to school without a tardy it would be a small miracle. As we turned the corner from our house onto Lake Washington Boulevard, Lucia looked over to me from tying her shoes and said, "Hey Mom, let's do gratitudes on the way to school today."

The backstory here is that I am the annoying parent who tries to get our family to have regular "Family Meetings." I like to start the meetings with appreciations and areas of improvement. We each have a time to share about the other family members what we appreciated and what we'd like to see change in the future. Lucia bristles at this activity every single time.

When she suggested doing gratitudes in the car I was pleasantly surprised. "I'm grateful for living near the lake," Lucia started. "I'm grateful for having a warm, dry house," I said. And back and forth we went for the twelve-minute drive to school. It was one of my favorite twelve-minutes of the year so far and another heart-swelling moment for sure.

Twice in two days I found myself in moments of learning from my daughter. What a refreshing, exciting experience. As a parent it's easy to fall into the trap of controlling the learning to try to ensure that the lessons we impart are fully understood and integrated into our children. But the learning process is not linear, it changes over the course of our lifespans, and it is not unilateral. Lucia has as much to teach me as I have to teach her.

The full-circle experience of seeing my daughter sharing concepts, ideas, attitudes that I've tried to teach was incredibly gratifying and affirming for me. But witnessing her do it in her own way, on her own time, in her own voice, offered me a lesson from her-- to loosen the reigns a little bit, to trust and have faith that, whether it seems immediately apparent or not, the lessons are all there. They really are.

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