Thursday, April 30, 2020

Shitty Attitude

Last week at dinner Lucia said something to the effect of, "Mom, I realize how much time I have. Today when I got out of the shower I made those little baby footprints out of the condensation on the mirror. I can't remember the last time I did  that. I'm usually in such a rush." I wish I could get to that appreciation for the extra time we have right now. I wish there was a magic button I could press that would give me access to that feeling instead of the one I'm feeling now.

Today my brain is in one of those moods- like a noisy airport with no windows or doors, no flights leaving anytime soon. It feels like the thoughts, the judgments, the criticisms are having an all day game of speed. There's constant noise and motion and I am exhausted. I want out. Everything is irritating me.

I'm want to connect with the beauty of this extra time, to appreciate that, if I wanted to, I could take a nice long shower and decorate the mirror afterwards. What is the nature of my unpredictable and sporadic access to delight and joy? The last few days I've had a lot of delightful moments. I've had invigorating Zoom calls with friends. I've taught and taken wonderful classes online. I've enjoyed my family and my neighborhood and nature. But today my inner world is dark and pissed and so, so grumpy.

Why can't I get to the good of this solitary life right now? Nelson Mandela spent twenty-seven years in prison, much of it in solitary and he emerged an inspired and prolific leader. What did he know? What were his tricks to harness his own energy into magic? Maybe he had days like this too.

Get yourself together Culberg. We're in a long game here. It can't be all smell the roses, make hand prints on mirrors. I teach this stuff-- to welcome everything-- yet when the bad stuff surges in like a tsunami of tar, coating all of me and every aspect of my world-- it's not easy to welcome that sludge. But there's not really another choice. If I don't welcome it in I spend my time fighting to keep it out--- raging against it. That's where I am and it feels terrible.  Okay, come on in, you shitty attitude. Take a seat. Here's some Earl Gray tea with frothed milk and a little bit of honey. Have a homemade cookie. Have two. You're welcome to stay as long as you need, just please not too long.

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