Slow Motion Memory Growth

It’s been almost two years since I sold my business, but it feels like two lifetimes. The timing of me selling my yoga studio of almost two decades was uncanny. I completed the sale and transition just a few months before COVID hit; four months before our world essentially shut down. It’s been a busy two years. Besides COVID, here’s what else has happened:

Three jobs. Ten interviews. Two grade levels. Three remodels. A death. Birth control. Driving. Fires.Another death. Protests. Hurricanes. Floods. Hospice. Knee Replacements. Dementia. Family. Friends. Sadness. Happiness. New job. Another new job. Hot tub. New plants. Outside dining. New driver’s license. Less meat. Four online classes. Electric bikes. Hulu. A vegetable garden. More baking. New habits. Fourty COVID tests. Outside heaters. Less drinking. Twenty-five COVID tests. More walking. HBO Max. Two volunteer gigs. Less yoga. Two road trips. Watercolors. Home office. One plane trip. Three vaccinations. Outdoor rituals. Honey cake. Holidays outside. Roller skating. Friday morning coffee. Raised beds. Outside heaters. Netflix.

As I’ve gotten older time seems to move faster, except for these past few years. When I look back at the last two years, I can actually remember stuff. COVID slowed the world down. As I reflect back on this time, it feels like there have been ten extra months crammed into the last two years. It seems impossible that so much has happened in just one-twenty-fifth of my life. 

When COVID first hit there was a collective adrenaline rush in my household and community. We all went on high alert. Details were everything. Who did you talk to? How close did you stand? Did you wear your mask? Use hand sanitizer? Do you feel okay? The details of our lives became common conversation in a way they never had before.

In my family, we all knew where we all were all the time because mostly we were home. If someone took a walk or went to the grocery, we knew. If there was a social event there was lots of planning and preparation— COVID testing, isolation, organizing outdoor space. 

The way we lived changed. During COVID we were no longer running in different directions. Before COVID my partner would be at her office and my daughter would be at school. I would be at the yoga studio. What each of us had for lunch or who we spoke to during the day was our own private story. At dinner each night we’d share a brief overview, but there were so many moments of each day that none of them was that precious, that memorable. 

When I ran my business I was gone a lot. I had classes to teach, employees to manage, meetings to attend. When I sold the business all of that busyness was gone. Combined with the great slowing of COVID, suddenly a vast amount of space opened up in my life. My interior world expanded and my external life contracted. 

When I contemplate how full my life has been in these last two years, years where our ability to travel, socialize and congregate has been severely curbed, I become acutely aware of how jam-packed my life was pre-COVID. I moved at warp speed. And I hardly remember it.

There is a joke among my family and friends that I have a terrible memory. It is why I rarely hold a grudge. I don’t remember the details of arguments or conflicts, probably because historically I have been too scatterbrained from an overly busy life. There were always too many other things going on to really focus on any one thing.

I benefited a lot from the great slowing that came with COVID. At first, like many people, I struggled to adapt to the changes. But in hindsight I can see that, through COVID, I learned to value the things in my life I took for granted in the past. My ability to remember significant, important moments is one of the things I notice. In the slowness, the relative emptiness of activity, my memory was able to retain more moments.

We’re getting back to normal now. My daughter is in school and she is able to socialize as she did before COVID. Her days and often evenings are a mystery to me. Last weekend my partner went away to see a friend for the weekend. Next week I will travel by plane to see my mother. We all engage in activities outside the nest of our home every day. The world is speeding up and I can feel myself losing track of many of the small moments. 

I know that next year my memory for the past will not be as clear as it is now at the edge of COVID. There will be too many things to sort out and keep track of. Like before COVID, my mind will be like a stuffed suitcase where I can’t find my running bra or iron pills. 

It’s a tradeoff. For me, the freedom that comes from moving beyond the imminent dangers of COVID is a super full life that moves really fast; a life where I get to see friends and family, work outside of my home, celebrate with others, and travel. What I lose is the experience of appreciating and remembering the preciousness of each moment. 

I am grateful for this return to a more abundant life but I also lament the loss of the slow presence I have felt these past few years.

I can say that I will try to keep it simple but I know deep down this will likely not happen. Already the dinner parties are starting. The travel plans and happening. The expectations are mounting. 

We are going back to a life more like the life we lived before COVID, but we will never be the same. The normal now is not the normal we lived before the pandemic. And for me, this is a good thing. I love the clarity of memory I have of the past two years of my life. 

I want to take some of what I learned from COVID into my future. I know it will be hard to impose a slowing down when there is no external mandate. But I can see now how important slowing down is, how doing it has helped me live a more memorable life. It won’t be easy to step away from the excitement and adventure of the world opening up again but I’m going to do my best. I’m going to try.