Task Conflict vs. Relationship Conflict

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Last week I was in a meeting with two men and two women. The focus of the meeting was to address some work conflicts that one of the men and I were having. The other two parties were there to facilitate this potentially difficult discussion. This issue I have with this particular colleague is a long-standing issue. I’ve been frustrated, irritated, angry, and complacent at different times during our time working on this project together.

This meeting had been called to bring things to the surface, to put it all on the table. And so, as the meeting unfolded I didn’t hold back. I leaned into this opportunity and said everything (almost) I thought. When my colleague started spewing revisionist history I barked back with the real version, citing emails, and calendar clarifications. When he told me that we hadn’t had the required meetings I snapped that I wasn’t his secretary and he could make the meetings as well as I could. I was pissed, and I did not shrink in that room.

A few days later, the other man at the meeting and I were debriefing and he said to me, “I’m so glad you two (me and the other woman present) were direct with X.” I knew he meant that as a compliment but I what I heard was his sense of surprise. He wasn’t used to women standing up like this and that made my heart sink.

Expressing anger, outrage, and injustice are all natural reactions in the face of conflict, but from the time we are girls, we are subtly (and not so subtly) coached to tone it down, to steer clear of conflict. We’re taught to see things relationally, to take care of people, to not create unrest. 

And at what cost? Minimizing or avoiding conflict does not solve anything long-term. It simply covers things up until they fester, get bigger, and show up again. I see it in my marriage, in my friends’ marriages, at work, and with my daughter. Last week on the Hidden Brain with Shakar Vedantam I heard an interview with psychologist Adam Grant. Grant shared the following:

I think the mistake that a lot of people make is they assume that less conflict is better. That if you want to build a successful collaboration or a great team then you’ll want to minimize the amount of tension you have. But as some researchers have argued based on a lot of evidence, the absence of conflict is not harmony, it’s apathy. If you’re in a group where people never disagree, the only way that could really happen is if people don’t care enough to speak their minds.

Grant differentiates between “task conflict” and “relationship conflict”. Task conflict involves debating about different perspectives and ideas and can potentially be constructive because parties on both sides can learn something. They are focusing on the content of the conflict and can move through it. 

Relationship conflict, on the other hand, is personal, so when there is an issue up for discussion or debate, it becomes emotional. Feelings are hurt. Productivity is thwarted, and the possibility for future communication is further ruptured.

When I left that work meeting last week I felt better. More clear. We’d looked the conflict dead in the eyes and each said our piece. I don’t know what will happen with our working relationship moving forward. Fortunately, we work for different organizations and my tenure on this project is limited. The worst-case scenario is I grit my teeth and endure. In the best-case scenario, we focus on the task conflicts moving forward and strengthen our working relationship.

Recently my daughter and a few of her friends found themselves in the middle of a conflict. An issue between two of the group of friends emerged. Sides were taken and factions were quickly formed. My daughter stood staunchly on one side, firm in her beliefs about the story. She was ready for conflict. Invested. Engaged. Energized. 

And I could see that the kids who stood on the other side were equally invested and energized in their story. As I watched this teenage drama unfold, I was aware that I was witnessing a full-blown relationship conflict. The actual story, or difference in the story was buried beneath the raging emotions.

And what I also understood was that I have had similar experiences in my adult life. In lieu of learning a different perspective, I have fueled my conflict coffers with emotion, basically blocking any possibility for movement in the disagreement or misunderstanding.

The title of Grant’s recent book, Think Again: The Power of Knowing what You Don’t Know says a lot. There is power in stepping outside of the emotion to hear the other side. 

Last night one of the parents of one of the kids on the “other side” of the conflict my daughter is embroiled in called me and left a message that she wanted to talk. Feeling roped into this teenage soap opera I felt panicked about what I would say to this mom. I didn’t have the facts. I just knew the emotion, and mostly from my daughter’s perspective. How would I communicate with this representative from the other camp?

My partner and my daughter and I talked about what I might say to this mother. My partner is a mediator and had great advice. “Even if there is one truth,” she said, “even if the event did happen, everyone has a perspective, an experience.”

“The conversation with this mom,” my partner said, “is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is about the lesson for the kids in making room for all perspectives. It is about each party taking accountability for their part, whatever that is.”

It’s true. My daughter and her faction digging their heels in and saying, “This is the only truth” only makes the kids on the other side plant their feet more firmly and shout, “No. this is the only truth.” No movement is made. It’s a tug-of-war without relief.

We talked more about how my daughter can navigate this conflict, how she can make room for all of the different perspectives. It’s not easy to take the emotion out of hard conversations. It takes maturity, perspective, and basically removing any ego involvement. This is hard for adults and nearly impossible for teenagers. 

I can’t help but go back to my own relationship history (both friendship and romantic), to my own past conflicts. And there are many. I can see that I have limited myself by leading with my emotions and taking different perspectives personally. In blinding myself from other ideas I never learned what I didn’t know. 

I plan to talk to that mom today. I’m gearing myself up to hear a different perspective, to make room for it, and find the power that comes from that process. I know I alone cannot solve this conflict for my daughter and her friends but maybe I can learn something by trying.