The 'Self': Welcoming her Back Home

Last week I talked to my therapist about a feeling I’ve been having lately. I’m on the precipice of something. It’s familiar and foreign at the same time. It’s a feeling I have at work and at home. It’s a moment when I feel like I actually know what to do without stressing or struggling, without thinking too hard. 

It’s happened recently at meetings with my staff when I leave the meeting feeling like, “well, that was easy.” And also with my daughter when I find myself in the unusual position of offering her advice that seems to help at just the right time. What I notice is both situations is the very clear absence of drama.

I shared this feeling with my therapist who is a very wise, very old (81) woman and she said, in the sage-like maternal way that I love so much, “Laura, that’s your ‘self’.” She explained that for most people, at some point in their lives, the ‘self’, or what I’ve called ‘essential nature’, leaves and a series of parts take over. These parts might be judgers or worriers or caretakers. The parts can be anything and they are different for all of us. We all take on different parts to get us through our complicated lives.

But at a certain point the ‘self’ feels safe to come back and reorganize. “This,” my therapist told me, “is what is happening for you now.”

When I look up ‘self’ online I get this definition, “a person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.”

I have believed, even proselytized the belief that when women get to the age of menopause they come back to their essential nature, or true selves. It comes from a combination of hormonal reorganization and lived experience. By age 45 or 50 we have learned and endured a lot, and we are done with the bullshit and the drama that come with managing all of the parts. 

This fed-up-ed-ness enables our true selves to come back, take charge and settle in for the long haul. This is the time when the ‘self’ can push aside the parts that have been holding down the fort and reclaim what is rightfully hers.

When my therapist pointed out the presence of my ‘self’ in our session, it felt like a great affirmation and recognition of this belief I’ve been carrying. I have infinite faith and respect in this woman and she has an additional three decades of wisdom on me. To hear her point this out opened up a new portal of acceptance of this concept for me. 

Since that conversation with my therapist I feel different. I have a knowing now that I can’t un-know. I can’t push the ‘self’ back out. She doesn’t want to go. I am aware of a peace but also an absence. I’m so used to the drama, the confetti of other voices in my head that I feel a sense of aloneness without all those parts shouting their opinions.

I know this is going to be an adjustment — it’s just me now, myself. I can feel the changes on the inside — a new openness inviting possibilities. I worry that I might seek out new drama to fill up this space. I wonder if my ‘self’ is secure enough now to resist this temptation. I hope so. I really hope so.