Re-Pandemic

Last month we talked about Pre-pandemic times. We talked about how we were getting back there, how we might be there soon. And then we stopped. It was like getting to the top of the waterslide ride — ker-chuk, ker-chuk, ker-chuk. We could feel the anticipation and excitement of getting to the top of the slide, then over the hump, of finally shooting down to the joyful splash of the plunge pool.

But we didn’t get over the hump. We halted at the top, right before the good part. Instead of going into Pre-pandemic times we are in Re-pandemic times. Some things have changed. Kids are going back to college. A lot of adults are returning to their offices. People have relaxed their mask-wearing outside.The general level of fear has decreased. But I can feel the pandemic energy ramping up. Conversations are back to, “Wait, can we meet inside?” “Do you have a mask?” “Do you think school will start in the fall?”

During the first round of the pandemic, I was intermittently okay. I found a sense of equanimity and opportunity. I was one of those annoying people who thrived in the isolation. I sewed masks, started healthy new habits like diving into the cold lake every day and walking five miles each morning. I found work as a contact tracer and wrote every morning. I relished the time at home with my family and told myself that I didn’t really miss my old life — not at all.

But now we are back. We are in a Re-Pandemic and I don’t feel the same way. I was ready to reenter Pre-pandemic life. In these last few months, I have gotten used to riding in the car with whomever I want, having dinner with friends inside, and letting my teenage daughter wander around the city with her friends without the fear that she will contract and spread a deadly virus.

This Re-Pandemic period weighs heavy on my heart. I cannot find the joy, the Pollyanna attitude that came to me so easily a year ago. I used it all up and feel empty inside. The thought of reentering pandemic life makes my chest tighten and my arms go numb. 

While we were all getting vaccinated, when numbers were going down and things were moving right along and we were ker-chuking up the waterslide, it was exciting, thrilling, completely joyful. Being here now, in this Re-Pandemic time, the sense of disappointment is too much for me to manage. I think about the horrible stories I’ve heard like the gambling addict parent who takes all the kids’ presents from under the tree, leaving the sad children with nothing on Christmas morning. Or the long-awaited mother-son reunion that is aborted because the mother cannot get a visa. The sadness, the defeat, the grief is overwhelming.

I know myself and I can feel what is happening. In response to this sorrow and disappointment, I am preemptively closing in on myself, shutting down so that reentering pandemic life will not be quite as difficult. But, in doing this I am prolonging the torture of waiting at the top of the waterslide. I am adding harsh cold winds and sleet instead of experiencing what is actually here now. 

Right now at the top of the slide, it is actually sunny around me and the fans of the ride are gently spraying water on me to keep me cool. We are in a Re-Pandemic but we’re still on a path, going somewhere. Things are improving. In the mid-sized city where I live vaccination rates are high and COVID cases are relatively low. All arrows point to school starting back up in a few weeks and businesses staying open.

We’re not moving as fast as I’d like, but we’re still moving right along. Re-Pandemic sucks. I have to acknowledge the sadness and fear that are bubbling up inside me again. But I know we won’t be stranded at the top of this waterslide forever. Someday, I hope sooner than later, we will jump the hump at the top, raise our hands above our heads, and holler with delight as we race joyfully all the way down, plunging into the cool, clear water with a giant splash. 

Nothing to Report: Boredom as a Balm

I talk to my mom five or six days a week. My mom has always been a very active person. She has always had a job and lots of friends, hobbies, and activist causes she works on. Her life has been rich and full of things to report when we talk.

My mom is retired now and, like the rest of us, isolated from most of the activities that used to fill her days. When we talk Mom starts the conversation, “Hi Laura, how are you?” At some point in the conversation, Mom will say, “Well, tell me something. I have nothing to report.”

I don’t really have anything to report either but I do have a lot to talk about. This past year has been a year filled with time. I have so much more time at home. Every day is the same. Minus a chunk of hours carved out in the middle of the day for work, the free time of the day is void of the things I used to do — coffee with friends, going to a movie, out to dinner, sitting in the stands of my daughter’s soccer game, going shopping for the boots I’ve been coveting. But now none of that exists. Daily life is boring.

And this boredom is good. This boredom is a balm that I needed to deepen my connection with myself and my partner. We are both bored. And in this boredom, this life devoid of social distractions and obligations our relationship has deepened — with ourselves and with each other.

This boredom has been an invitation into our individual interiorities. Ten months ago the beach we walked was filled with shells and driftwood, seabirds, and other people. But the shoreline has been receding, taking with it everything on the beach. Now the beach we walk is wider, with more sand, no shells, driftwood, birds, or people. It is just us, walking the beach. The ocean is there, vast and beautiful, a constant reminder of the inherent peace that exists when all of the detritus is washed away.

We walk on the smooth sand staring out onto the ocean or looking down and the sand, being with ourselves, quiet enough to hear our thoughts. And every once in a while we come together. We share a conversation about what is going on in each of our interiorities. And it’s interesting. It’s fascinating, this new access to the inner workings of the one I love.

My mentor once taught me the concept, “It’s not the what, it’s the who.” In the context of that lesson, I was trying to come to terms with firing an employee who I felt lacked integrity. My mentor explained, “she may be great at what she does, but it’s the who that matters.”

When I talk to my mom, it’s enough to just hear her voice, to listen to what going on in her head and heart. I don’t need to hear any news. But I get it. This “what” is how we were socialized. What is your job? What is your income? What are your hobbies? What have you done today? The whats are the details that we’ve been trained to give focus and attention to for most of our lives. But now most of the whats are gone and we have this unique invitation to spend more time with the who.

The “who” is the essence, this interiority that often stays hidden. This time of boredom, of nothing to report, has offered an opening to my essence, to my partner’s essence. We don’t have the constant negotiation that we used to have. We don’t have to agree on where to go to dinner or if we want to have so and so to a dinner party. We don’t have to come to an agreement on where we want to travel for the next family vacation or who will stay at home and wait for the plumber. There is nothing to report. There is space, and quiet. We are co-existing in an openness that we’ve never experienced before.

I am worried about going back to the way things were. This new shoreline, this beautiful quietude of our little world, has been a balm and an opening to something richer and more connecting. We talk about it, this new way of being with ourselves and each other. We both feel it and appreciate it. I hope when the beach is full of activity again, when the distractions of life as we knew it return, we can still feel this feeling, that it will always be a part of who we are.